Your questions answered about couples therapy
If you’re considering couples therapy, I thoroughly recommend it and I’ve no doubt you’ll find it beneficial. If you’re uncertain, it’s worth at least coming for an initial consultation so you get a clearer idea of what’s involved, with no pressure to continue if you decide it’s not for you.
Still unsure? Reading the Q&As below might help you decide.
Will you tell us we shouldn’t be together?
Absolutely not. That decision is yours, not mine. You chose each other for good reasons and I respect those. Most likely there are things about the relationship that work well and things that don’t work so well. My job is to help you find out if you can change the things that don’t work so well.
Will you make me stay in a relationship I want to leave?
No. I have no agenda in terms of keeping the two of you together. I help you to explore whether you can improve the relationship, so that you can choose to stay together or split up knowing that you gave it your best shot.
My partner’s the problem! Can I send them?
If you think it would be useful for your partner to have individual therapy, by all means encourage them, but therapy only really works when the person wants to be there, so it has to be their choice. When there are problems in the relationship, it’s rarely just down to one person. To improve the relationship, I need both of you in the therapy room together.
Should we have couples therapy or psychosexual therapy?
Often couples have both sexual and non-sexual issues they want to address, and it can be hard to know whether to choose couples therapy or psychosexual therapy. With me you don’t need to choose as I am trained in both and can blend the two. Usually I focus on getting the relationship to a reasonably good place where you can communicate well first. That way the psychosexual work goes more smoothly.
What happens in couples therapy?
We talk about whatever aspects of your relationship the two of you want to talk about. I want to hear both sides of the story and will make sure you both get your share of the airtime. A key part of couples therapy is improving communication. We’re not aiming to get rid of all your disagreements; it’s about getting the two of you to a place where you can work things through together.
Should we have individual therapy or couples therapy?
The short answer is that you can have both. Being in individual therapy at the same time can really support couples therapy. I appreciate though that isn’t always viable. If you need to choose, it’s a question of asking yourself whether the problems you want to address are specific to (or mainly in) the relationship. If they are, couples therapy would be good. If you have the same sorts of problems in other relationships, it sounds individual therapy would work well. You can always do one first and then the other, or come for an initial consultation to get my thoughts before deciding.
We fight a lot. Will couples therapy make it worse?
While there will likely be difficult conversations to be had in couples therapy, we have them in a way that is much less likely to escalate than when you talk at home. By getting to the root of the upset and helping you understand each other better, these discussions are more likely to lead to connection than conflict. In the initial consultation, I pay attention to risk, and if I think that couples therapy might put your safety at risk (for example, if domestic abuse is involved), I will direct you to individual support first.
When’s the best time to have couples therapy?
Sooner rather than later! Couples often put therapy off until they are at crisis point. While I’m happy to work with you whatever stage you’re at, it’s probably going to be easier on you if there isn’t the threat of separation hanging over the therapy. Plus, the sooner you bring yourselves to therapy, the sooner you can start enjoying an improved relationship.
Do we have to be together to have couples therapy?
No. I’ve worked with couples who had long since separated but wanted to parent their children better together. I’ve worked with couples who had just made the decision to separate but wanted to do minimise the fallout. You can also come with someone who you have non-romantic relationship with, such as a family member or friend.
My partner doesn’t want to come. What should I do?
It’s really difficult when you see therapy as a way forward but your partner share that view. You can’t force your partner to come, but you can try to understand why they are reluctant. Often people are scared. They think they will be judged or that the therapy will lead to the relationship ending. You could try showing your partner this page. Or suggest that they come for an initial consultation with no pressure to continue further if they don’t want to. Usually, once they come for an initial consultation, they discover their fears are unfounded and they are happy to continue.
How long does couples therapy take?
As long as you want it to! It really depends how much you want to work on and how deep-rooted the problems are. If they’ve been building up for years, don’t expect them to be resolved in weeks. You may just want support to get you through a crisis, or you may want to stay for longer to work on making your relationship the best it can be. It’s up to you and you’re free to end therapy whenever you choose.
If you have any other questions, please contact me; I’ll be happy to answer them. And if you’d like to book an initial consultation, you can do so here.